31 March 2011

Mermaids were costly, but invisible

This is also one of my absolute favourites. I was a little surprised that Zimbabwe, a landlocked country, had a mermaid mythology, but my lovely colleague Chris Melville, the Africa ueber geek, gave me a book that explained that lakes and rivers are entry ways to the underworld (the book also had a chapter about a priest who, before he became a Christian cleric, had been raised by a witch father, and had travelled to that underworld regularly. He said that there were airports and universities in the underworld, and people trained in dark arts to then later re-emerge in the World Bank and the IMF in the upper world).

Again: enjoy!

Reported on Zimnews, sometime in 2005: Mermaids were costly, but invisible

Harare - A woman has testified here that she paid a popular local musician to fly in five mermaids from London to help her recover a stolen car and cash. Businesswoman Magrate Mapfumo said she paid US$5,000 to fly the invisible mermaids here on the advice of musician Edna Chizema, who is on trial for theft, the state-owned Herald reported yesterday. Mapfumo testified that she sought Chizema's advice after her car and millions of Zimbabwean dollars were stolen. Zimbabwe's Shona people believe mermaids are fearsome enchantresses capable of wreaking vengeance on wrongdoers. She said she also paid for the mermaids to be housed at Harare's plush tourist resort, the Jameson Hotel, and supplied with cellphones and generators to cope with the capital's frequent power cuts, the paper said. "I asked about their names and I was told they were called Emma, Charmaine, Sharvine, Bella and a fifth one who was said to be an Arab mermaid," the Herald quoted Mapfumo saying. "She (Chizema) told me I could not see the mermaids as only spirit mediums could do so."

30 March 2011

Swazi Donkey Incident

Also one of my all-time favourites. I believe this was the front-page story at the time, and since Swaziland only has a population of about 50, everyone knew. Enjoy!

Man has sex with donkey


MKHUZWENI - A teenage boy was caught 'red handed' by a woman fulfilling his sexual cravings by engaging in sexual intercourse (bestiality) with a donkey last Friday at Mkhuzweni.

The teenager Sanele Simelane (19) was caught in the act by Jabulile Mavuso on Friday morning (8am) having sex with the animal in the homestead where he lives while others were away.

Simelane was caught with his 'pants down' straddling the donkey belonging to Mfanawenina Mdluli, in an act that is believed to have lasted for about 30 minutes.

Mdluli's homestead is situated about 100 metres away from the Hlatjwako homestead where the act was committed.

The donkey's name is Mhlosheni because of its khaki like coat.

Simelane is believed to belong to the Jericho Christian faction.

Mavuso said that she could not believe her eyes when she saw Simelane first seduce the donkey before actually having sex with it.

According to Mavuso, she was passing above the Hlatjwako homestead when she saw Simelane in a compromising position with the donkey, rubbing a stick against the donkey's genitals.

And to her surprise the donkey stopped moving and adhered to the young man's advances.

Taking a closer look Mavuso realised that the man could no longer resist his sexual urges, as he discarded the stick he was using opting to use his right hand instead.


"The donkey raised its tail as if it was enjoying what he was doing to it. For a second I did not know what to do but later left to call a neighbour to witness the act," she said in a surprised and disgusted tone.

She said that they together with a neighbour, Shikisha Dludlu who apparently is Simelane's uncle, watched in awe as Simelane 'fore played' the donkey by gentle rubbing its genitals before proceeding to have sex with it.

"He positioned the donkey on a slight slop and penetrated it for a long time but the entire duration including the touching of genitals lasted for about 30 minutes. Dludlu said we must not disturb him and therefore we let him finish before making our presence known," she added.

Mavuso was further puzzled by the fact that the donkey did not resist the penetration, "it seems as if it was enjoying itself. As he continued it was wiggling its tail and did not attempt to kick at him."

All the while Simelane did not utter a word. Upon ejaculating the man is said to have spent a few minutes facing down as if gasping for air but was interrupted by the exclamations of Mavuso who said that she was totally disgusted by the incident.


She said that they asked him if he was aware that his pants had become wet in the process but instead they received threats from Simelane. "He threatened to stab me and we left him alone," she said exclaiming that she spat in disgust as they watched Simelane satisfy himself.

Simelane is said to have fetched the donkey, which is one of eight that Mdluli owns, from its grazing land situated a walking distance away leading it to the homestead's kraal where all the 'action' took place.

The donkey's owner, Mdluli, said that he uses his donkeys for farming and that at no point in time did he suspect that his livestock was being subjected to such acts. "He had to be arrested because there is no telling what else he would get up to. Besides I did not want him to spread animal diseases to other people. What he did is despicable and cruelty to animals," he said.

He said that his donkey was rather old such that if it were a human being it would have grandchildren.

Simelane was reported to the police by Mdluli on Saturday and he was arrested the following morning.


He said that he had not reported the matter to his chief yet.

It is not known if Simelane and the donkey had been enjoying a 'sexual relationship' besides this time that he was caught in the act. It is also not known if he has a girlfriend. He is said to have arrived in the area a few months ago with a member of the Hlatjwako homestead. However, it was gathered that prior to this arrival he had once worked in the same homestead and was regarded as part of the family.

In 2001 an act of bestiality was reported, but then a man was caught having sex with a cow in its kraal.

The act is said to have been going on for quite some time.

25 March 2011

NTV's Daytime Audience: Bushy tailed more than bright eyed

I’ve done daytime NTV twice now. The first time, I was invited by Wallace Kantai, and I asked him whether he knew what the audience looked like for their 1pm show. ‘We’re still trying to find out,’ he said. Wallace and I have been buddies for a while, so we chatted away happily for about 45min in what was a fun session. Later, I had a look at my email and found a number of Facebook request from people who had seen me on the show. Interestingly, these were all young men, probably in their 20s. So is this NTV’s daytime audience? Or was there an element of self selection?

Not all of these Facebook ‘friendships’ ended happily:

I deleted the young man who asked me how I ‘compare being an atheist and Christianity’. I told him that there was plenty of online material available on this issue, so if this was of interest to him, he would just have to do the research. No, he insisted: He’d HAVE to know from me personally. Yes, he brought out the capital letters. After he posted a religious item on my page for the third time, I decided it was time to part ways.

A second virtual contact sent me this message: ‘Aint no wise guy but wuld reali luv to get down wit u! mmmm... precisely’. Mind you, I’ve never met him before. We exchanged a few messages in which I tried to explain that not only was this badly spelled, but also inappropriate. He eventually seemed to see the point of the latter, but then surprised me with this: ‘Would have really loved to lick you from head to toe.’ Gone.

Today I was invited by Larry Madowo. It was a much shorter discussion, but nevertheless yielded some interesting Facebook follow up:

‘hi, i hope u well, i have a business idea and hope that u could finance it please, lemme know.’

Also, a friend request with this message: ‘R u singl andrea am xo xo krazy ova u jst saw u on ntv.’

And as luck would have it, a former Facebook stalker also watched it and sent me an sms that ended with ‘Don’t u b tht quiet though!’. This was a man who had expressed an interest in ‘having intimacy’ with me, and was quiet unbothered by the fact that I didn’t even want to be friends with him. I intend to stay very, very quiet.

22 March 2011

Why I don't feel so positive about Kenya's higher education right now - or: Are they smoking crack?

Macharia Gaitho kindly shared this today. And of course they had to be matching. Read and enjoy:


Good evening everyone?

This is to inform all the media houses that there will a huge demo tomorrow at 10.00am by University students from uhuru park to the french embassy. University students will be calling on countries like USA,Quartar,France ,Britain, Denmark and others to provide a peaceful solution in India than bombings and attacking them. We will be matching from Uhuru park,haillesellassie, moi avenue ,kenyatta avenue then to the embassy. Thank u.


MOSES NANDALWE-Sec Gen. Universities Student Leaders Association-Kenya[USLA-K]

10 March 2011

Congo on the Brink: No – really?

I have learned about this thanks to actor Ben Affleck: "Having just returned from the Congo last month I can assure you that Congo is on the brink" (source).

Thank you, Ben. This was news to me. Or was it? Wait. Hasn’t Congo (Congo-Kinshasa, I assume, although Congo-Brazzaville isn’t so peachy either) been on the brink for, errr, years now? In fact, this is DRC’s address, in case you ever want to mail something:

DR Congo
On the Brink
Central Africa

Actor Affleck testified before the US Congress's Human Rights subcommittee. I don’t doubt Affleck’s good intentions for a second, but it beats me why anyone would listen to an actor on DRC, even one who has visited DRC several times. There are easily a gazillion people more qualified to speak about DRC, and anyone who doesn’t object to be told about DRC by an actor needs to get his/her head examined. And as long as Affleck doesn’t recognize this, he can’t be serious either.

And more aid, Ben? What exactly is more aid going to do?

That is all.